the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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