I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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