Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
