im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
