I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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