Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
there is glitter all over my balls
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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