Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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