I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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