yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
