i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
