Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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