There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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