I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
