He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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