a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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