oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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