those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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