she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Randomize
