and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
