my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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