My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
