i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
