i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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