**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
