so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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