is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
