kristin has been a bad kristin
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
