i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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