Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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