get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
