I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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