Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We are all done wearing pants today
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
