The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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