community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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