I think my fart just growled at me.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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