if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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