No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
