i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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