Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
