Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
