Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
