Will you blow on my dice?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
