I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
