I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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