or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
