I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
