yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
