Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
