Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
