i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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