i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
