allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
