Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
