he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
