Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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