I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I've blown a few things in my day
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Randomize
