and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
