New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
