Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
