i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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