I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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