It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
