I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
