I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
time to smoke my breakfast
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
