At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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